Archive for the 'stories' Category

T-Minus

Marcus emptied food scraps into the composter and raised his eyes. “Master,” he asked, “why do we make the soil?”

The old man nodded patiently. “The soil outside is not natural. It is made of the dust and smoke of humanity. Lead, mercury, arsenic: these are the spoor of humanity. To us this is unclean. Making soil is a ritual of devotion in the service of nature.”


Marcus scowled as he filled a pail from the condenser. “Master, why do we make the water?”

The old man absently cracked a knuckle. “The water outside is not natural. It is full of the piss of humanity, and carries the drugs and poisons from which humanity is made. Every animal, every plant that drinks this water cannot fail to take on the smell of humanity. To us this is unclean. Making water is a ritual of devotion in the service of nature.”


Marcus’s voice was muffled because he was bent low breaking leaves from a bush. “Master, why do we grow the tea?”

The old man held out a basket to catch the leaves. “The tea outside is not natural. Bees carry pollen from engineered plants and spread it promiscuously. The children carry the signature of the maker, as if the engineer had mated with the plant. To us this is unclean. Growing tea is a ritual of devotion in the service of nature.”


Marcus stretched his weary muscles and peered around at the walls of the cave. “Master, why do we fear the sky?”

The old man made a vague gesture of blessing toward the lights overhead. “The sky outside is not natural. The light of the sun is bent by the farts and exhalations of humanity. Every sight, every sound is twisted and rendered unclean. Making air, making light: These are rituals of devotion in the service of nature.”


Marcus poured boiling water over dried leaves in the pot and placed the kettle into the autoclave. “Master,” he asked, “why do we drink tea?”

Their hands full of pots and cups, master and disciple walked together toward the meditation hall. After a moment’s thought the old man said, “We drink tea to make ourselves mindful. Only within ourselves can we find wilderness. Drinking tea is a ritual of devotion in remembrance of this.”

Marcus held out a hand and forced the old man to pause. “But master,” he said. “Is it not true that by speaking to you I alter the wilderness within? Is it then not the case that this wilderness also bears the imprint of humanity?”

The old man grinned broadly and resumed his walk. “That, my son, is the essence of faith.”

Image CC-BY-NC by nchenga

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Untold Tales: The Singular Affair of the Aluminum Crutch

Let’s talk about this. I was born in New York City on December 7, 1924. The Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor on my seventeenth birthday. I joined the Army when I turned eighteen. I lost the bottom half of my left leg when I was nineteen, in the Battle of Anzio. I was back in Rome two years later, after the liberation. I wore my pants leg pinned up. I would no more wear a false foot than I would a false mustache or a false nose. People can take me as I am.

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Old Nick

Saint Nicholas

Every year, just after midnight on December 6th, Saint Nicholas visits every home on earth.1 Every child receives three small chocolate candies.2 Every adult receives punishment for the sins he or she has committed during the year. That is why we call Saint Nicholas Day “The Day of Atonement.”

In January, Mike Anderson bought a chicken-processing plant and continued to pay his mostly-Mexican workforce minimum wage. He thought this was more than fair. On December 6th Nicholas turned the factory into a worker-owned cooperative and hired Mike as janitor. He sold Mike’s home and used the proceeds to buy one-speed bicycles for the workers’ children.

In April, Jenny Evans’ neighbor bought an enormous new truck. In June Jenny bought one to match. On December 6th Nicholas sold both trucks and used the proceeds to buy 79,997 packets of kohlrabi seeds and two Matchbox cars. He gave the seeds to Jenny and her neighbor and the Matchbox cars to some kids on the next block.

In July, Chris Green ate beef every day all month. On December 6th Nicholas placed him and his family in a one-year indenture to a strict but kind farmer outside Belur in Karnataka. The children don’t seem to mind the work, or the lentils.

In October, Mandy Johnson got drunk and slept with her best friend’s husband. On December 6th Nicholas sat that one out. He figured it was basically self-punishing.

On December 6th, Nicholas impaled Dave Williams on a spit, and placed the spit over a charcoal fire. We will not speak of the reason why. Neither the spit nor the fire has proved fatal. We imagine Dave will hang onto life until next Saint Nicholas Day. Perhaps he will behave differently next year.

1Nicholas is one of the largest landowners in Zurich. It is speculated that he may store his vast currency reserves under a mountain there.

2These candies are manufactured using chocolate raised on Nicholas’ plantations in Côte D’ivoire by freed child-slaves and processed in factories fueled by the burning souls of the slavemasters.

Image via Wikimedia Commons

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Untold Tales: The Dundas Separation Case

Our whole family moved from St. Paul to Dundas in 2007 in an effort to get out into the country. It ended up (and we should have known this) that we were moving to the “recent country” rather than “current country,” since our house was new construction, part of a development built on what fifteen minutes earlier had been a not-bad soybean field producing beans that were shipped two hundred miles to be turned into hormone- and drug-amended kibble that was shipped the same two hundred miles back to some bioengineered hog-alikes that live within smelling distance of our new two-and-a-half story. Mmm, bionic bacon.

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Untold Tales: The Paradol Chamber

Right before the dot-com crash I cashed out all my stock and joined the Peace Corps. I didn’t see it coming; I was just seriously fed up with cubicles and Starbucks. They sent me to Calabar, in Nigeria, with a mandate to make sure pregnant women were getting plenty of folate. This wound up being a cruel joke: Women with any amount of money ate unbelievable (by American standards) quantities of greens. Women with no money basically ate starch and not enough of it. If I had been a bigger man I would have worked my ass off trying to get money together so poor women could afford to eat their greens, but instead I jacked around watching gangster videos and having Guinness Book amounts of sex.

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Untold Tales: The Notorious Canary Trainer

Nobody else remembers this, but when I was a kid in Sacramento there used to be a weekly Saturday street fair in back of the Alpha Beta on El Camino. We lived on Franco, so I could just walk back there through the backyard and over the fence, and my best friend Amy used to ride her bike over to my house and come with me. This thing was probably a figment of the early 70’s. If it happened now it would be a regular farmer’s market with none of the good stuff, but in 1975 there were a few people from the neighborhood with eggplant and persimmons, and a bunch of regulars who drove or rode in from Davis or Folsom, and who sold stuff you could never get away with today.

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Untold Tales: The Giant Rat of Sumatra

When my cousin Kenny dropped off the face of the earth, he landed in Bukittinggi. His mom (my dad’s sister Gloria) sent me to go retrieve him.
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Mood Swing

My wife and I have been taking Eudemox off-label as a mood synchronizer. Fortunately her moods seem to be dominant, otherwise I’d be dragging her down down down.

It’s a pretty electrifying exercise. Do you have somebody you’d trust with each other’s emotions?

Image CC-BY-NC-ND by peppysis

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Barrow Deer

When I was out walking the dogs this morning they started tracking some barrow deer (which are burrowing deer we have around here). They got their name from the First People (who call themselves The People and not The First People, in the same way that we call it The United States and not The First United States because they did not (as we do not) wander around in a state of precognition that some bastards were going to blunder in from another dimension and kill most of us with alien diseases and guns and torture and shit, and when there’s just a heart-rending rump of us left give us a hearty kick in the nuts every time they even notice we still exist. Pretty much the correct response when you see one of the survivors of this morally-haywire ongoing genocide is to throw yourself prostrate, lay your wakizashi on the ground before you and just see what happens.)

Anyway barrow deer since the beginning of time will occasionally get into a burial ground and make a complete hash of it. The traditional solution to this was to keep a continuous fire of poison sumac going in the center of the burial ground. This took a great deal of courage and skill since inhaling the smoke from poison sumac inflames the lining of the lungs.

We live right next door to a cemetery. Story is that back in 1964 a whole herd of barrow deer got in there after hours one evening and by morning there was an unholy pile of Aaberg, Erickson, Askelund and Sonderby bones, after which the cemetery board approved an eight-foot above-ground, eight-foot below electrified fence with its own backup generator, which we can hear from our house whenever it fires up and it makes the dogs howl.

Barrow deer are gentle and no big deal (dead grandmas aside). What really bothers me is the big mothers they have in the swamps of northeastern Minnesota. The common name is the same but they’re actually a different species, Alces Tumulus. They have humongous antlers with their own moss (I’m tempted to say their own microclimate) and weigh up to 1800 pounds. When you feel the peat heaving under your boots, you run. They won’t hurt you on purpose but a one-ton barrow deer can do you a whole world of accidentally.

Anyway the dogs backed off on about my fifth whistle and we watched the dirt fly up out of the hole and the rain pounded it straight into mud.

Image CC-BY-SA by uberphot

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Raise a 743-Pound Catfish

Mozhi’s and my new illustrated story, Raise a 743-Pound Catfish, just passed the 500-reader mark! Wo0t! Mozhi’s illustrations are astounding. Please check it out!

http://www.instructables.com/id/Raise-a-743-Pound-Catfish/

Image CC-BY-NC by MozhiDian

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